If you're bald, here's how to fix it

Let’s face it: if you’re reading this, your scalp has given up. Your hairline has retreated like Napoleon in winter. Your head looks like it’s been personally buffed by a car detailer. You're not losing your hair — your hair is losing you.

But fear not, brave chrome domes. I’m here to offer solutions — not good ones, not effective ones, but solutions nonetheless.

1. Denial: Nature’s Toupee

First things first — pretend it's not happening. Grow out the three remaining strands on the back of your head and sweep them across like you’re painting the Sistine Chapel. If it worked for your uncle in 1993, surely it’ll fool someone now, right? (It won’t.)

Bonus tip: wear hats indoors. And when people ask why, say, “I just like the aesthetic.” Yes, the aesthetic of hiding your scalp like it’s a criminal on the run.

2. Blame Genetics — Loudly

“Baldness is genetic,” you’ll cry, as if it justifies the fact that your head now reflects sunlight like a solar panel. Make sure to drag your poor dad into this. “Look at my dad! Look at my grandpa!” you’ll say, trying to convince people your hair didn’t abandon you because of you.

Fun fact: You can blame your mother’s side too. Equal opportunity excuses!

3. Shave It All and Pretend It Was a Choice

Ah, the classic “Jason Statham” move. Shave it off, grow a beard, and act like you’re an MMA fighter in early retirement. People might even compliment you. But remember, they’re not saying, “You look good bald.” They’re saying, “You’ve made the best of this disaster.” It’s like telling someone their broken leg cast looks cool.

4. Scalp Tattoos — Because Nothing Says ‘Confidence’ Like Inked Hair

Why not tattoo tiny hairs onto your head? It’s like playing a prank on your own skull. From a distance, you’ll look like you just might have hair. From up close? You'll look like a pixelated bowling ball.

5. Embrace the Shine

Lean into the glow. Polish that dome. Make it your brand. Become a human flashlight. Walk past solar panels and power them with your skull. There’s something noble about blinding your enemies with forehead glare.

6. Invest in a Wig — Or Better, A Helmet

Sure, you could get a wig. But why stop there? Get a full medieval knight helmet. Walk into work like you’re storming a castle. When people ask, say, “I’m protecting what’s left of my dignity.”

7. Accept It, But Also Never Let Anyone Else Forget It

You can own your baldness. Just make sure to constantly bring it up. Mention it in casual conversation. Say things like, “As a bald man, I feel the wind differently.” That way, people won’t notice your lack of hair — they’ll just notice your need to talk about it.

Final Thoughts

Baldness is nature’s way of telling you that you peaked too early. And that’s okay. At least your head is getting more vitamin D than the rest of us.

But hey — if you can’t laugh at your hair loss, you’ll just cry. And that’s not a good look when your tears highlight the curvature of your gleaming scalp.

Stay shiny, kings. You may have lost your hair, but you haven’t lost your sense of humor. Hopefully.