Have anxiety? Try Xanax!

You dream of being an entrepreneur — owning businesses, calling shots, waking up to the sweet hum of passive income.

Instead, you wake up to your phone alarm, throw on a wrinkled shirt, and clock into a beige cubicle where your creativity goes to die by 10:00 a.m. sharp.

But hey, good news! You don’t need a business plan. You’ve got Xanax.

Why build your own freedom when you can chemically simulate it? One little white pill, and suddenly the soul-crushing mediocrity of corporate life feels… fine. The fluorescent lights? Warm glow. The endless emails? Meditation. That sinking feeling you’ll never escape the bank? Gone — thanks, Pfizer.

You tell your friends you’re “grinding quietly” while your serotonin does the heavy lifting. You say you’re “saving up to start something,” but what you’re really saving is your sanity — 0.25 milligrams at a time.

Every time your boss calls you “sport,” you reach for that magic tablet of emotional numbness and whisper:

“Someday I’ll own my own company.”

(Someday. Just… not today. You’re too chill for that now.)

Forget funding rounds — you’re on your third round of Xanax. Forget investors — you’ve got your pharmacist. And forget financial freedom — you already bought peace of mind, in a childproof bottle.

So here’s to you, corporate dreamer. May your ambition stay suppressed, your pulse stay steady, and your prescription never run out.